he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
