watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
