fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
