Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
