When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
