I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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