I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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