Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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