wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
