she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
