Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
