He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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