My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
