I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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