I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
