thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
