Tell her she can't have a vagina
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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