On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
