My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
