my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
