Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
