i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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