Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
