Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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