3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
