May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize