just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
