Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
