yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
