There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
