my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
