Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
