There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
