tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
