My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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