nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize