NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
