Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
