Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize