if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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