sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
