first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
