the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
