I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
