I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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