Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
