4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
