my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
