he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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