Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
