so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I think a kid would responsible me up
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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