Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
