walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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