After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
