If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
