he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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