I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
