oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
