I'm gonna have a badass scar
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
