you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
