First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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