I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
