Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
