Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
